Field Guide: 5 Authors I See in My Slush

Everyone has a novel in them, and working as an editor only proves it. (You should see the size of my slush pile.) However, not all of those novels' authors are ready to step blinking into the market. 

Authors must be judged as strongly as their novel, children's book, or nonfiction book, if the work is to succeed. Though many authors submit their work to me and to the other editors, there are a special few we now recognize from a distance.

1. The Diva

From an actor: cute. From an author: horrifying.

Prepare yourself, mere mortal editor. Diva is doing you a favor by submitting their glorious book to you. After all, it's destined to be a New York Times best seller, launch a ten-book series, and be a Hollywood hit with all the hottest actors in its cast. 

Variants of Divas may dismiss their own responsibilities as an author; i.e. the need for social media promotion, speaking engagements, and public appearances. After all, as a publisher, you obviously negate such paltry needs. Instead, you will shower them with money and perform all menial marketing tasks for them like they're a movie star. You will also probably set up their Twitter account and manage it for them.
They may put down other genres, books, or authors to demonstrate why theirs is best.
They may even say that they don't actually like to read books put out by other authors.

But they'll never be as glorious as Thranduil.

Down the road, an author may get to the point where they have PR and marketers doing much of the work, and publishers giving them fantastic deals. It has worked out so well for many authors already. But for a first time author, such expectations are not encouraging.

Ironically, their book is not as perfect as they claim. They often have put as little effort into writing as they have into convincing you that they will be good to work with.


2. The Woobie

Bio: I destroyed my own planet, watched all my friends die or leave, AND I'm standing in the rain.

When submitting, an author is sometimes asked to give the publisher/agent/editor a brief biography. This is intended for marketing purposes, to let the publisher know what your audience will be, or to get a feel for what kind of person you will be to work with.
But for the Woobie, it is a cue to open the floodgates.

Many people live difficult lives. Those lives often go on to inspire others' in a variety of ways, and it makes for a fantastic story of human perseverance, struggle, love, faith, and miracles.
Other people still live difficult and tragic lives, and when it comes to writing biographies, pour in an ocean's worth of tragedy in hopes that they'll move their potential editor.

Man tears: enough to move a fangirly editor?

If the Woobie's submission is autobiographical and they already make a living off telling their story, the author may well be a fantastic choice. After all, they're out there inspiring people and not just making people feel sad inside (generally). Otherwise, I'm not sure why telling me your very sad story fits with your very happy children's book.

I'm not made of stone. I just don't believe that a tragic backstory substitutes for helpful information like a marketing plan or reasons our company will want to give you an advance.

3. The Rulebreaker

Eager to get their book into the hands of an editor or agent, or just impatient with the process, the Rulebreaker bypasses guidelines and flings their manuscript at the nearest agency or publisher. They ignore formatting, file types, paper vs. electronic submissions, and even genres the publisher is looking for or avoiding.
While taking an opportunity while it's ripe or being eager is not a fault, rushing in like this makes the Rulebreaker look sloppy, ignorant, or even like a Diva. The latter category is emphasized if a Rulebreaker skips over the agent required by many large publishing houses. Many publishers send the manuscript right back, unopened, if such rules are bypassed, and the submitter risks blacklisting. This is true for Twitter contests such as PitMad as well as submitting directly to an agent or editor.
Even if the Rulebreaker has followed the proper channels, I see many of our submission guidelines or requests being broken. We receive many genres our market has no interest in, slipped in under the radar. Fields necessary for us to consider the manuscript are left blank or scant enough to be able to click Submit. Paper submissions without much information beyond the synopsis make it to our slush piles.
Though we understand that some fields may have been missed by sheer accident, and mistakes happen, it still does not encourage us to see such disregard for our rules. If a Rulebreaker submitter skips over such guidelines like that, what else will they skip? Edits? Deadlines?

4. The Prisoner

Which I would like to believe, but your submission says otherwise...

Occasionally, more in nonfiction and YA-Adult fiction, we'll receive a paper submission that looks a bit ... odd. We've even received a submission written entirely on the backs of envelopes. More curious than its appearance is the content inside, which is usually typewritten or handwritten. 

We have received a prison submission.

This is the joy of my company accepting non-agented submissions.

We usually have nothing against the actual content of these submissions. The difficulty usually comes from a combination of the Rulebreaker and the Diva. 

See, unless the Prisoner is a very high-profile inmate, it is incredibly difficult to reach their audience from prison. (Possible, however, if the Prisoner has an agent or a PR representative already.) 

The other part, and this mostly makes me look at the industry and sigh, is that their cover letters make the wild claims that because their book will receive automatic, national acclaim, that they can pay to overturn their sentence and get out of jail within a short period of time. However, if you know much about how authors make, this looks to an editor like little more than a pipe dream. 

The Rulebreaker part of the Prisoner comes via a guideline-breaking submission (no, we don't normally accept submissions written on envelopes). This happens with almost every one, though there are some parts of the submission that can't be the fault of the Prisoner due to prison restrictions. Still, that doesn't exactly give comfort to an editor.

5. The Lazy Student

The Lazy Student is not necessarily a procrastinating college-goer. Rather, this submitter doesn't bother to do much research when submitting, much like students hoping to breeze by. Once they feel their manuscript is ready, they grab URLs for submission by the handful, send out their manuscript to every agent they can find, and reach down every avenue for publication.
Again, perseverance is not a bad trait. This may be annoying because all agents and editors are not looking for the exact same thing.

When asked to compare their manuscript to other titles, they do little research into the books in their genre.
"YA? It's exactly like The Hunger Games."
"Juvenile fiction? It's like Matilda, I swear!"
"Children's? Oh, this is Dr. Seuss. Serious."

Pictured: Best-selling dystopian authors.

Never mind that the above will likely not be dystopian, have a precocious magical child against the world, or be written in tetrameter with wacky words.

If they compare to New York Times best sellers just because they are bestsellers in the same age group, they also tend to set unrealistic expectations for themselves when they compare it to these extremely well-known books. I tend to judge poetry and the author more harshly if they compare their lackadaisical rhymes to Dr. Seuss.

Though I'll forgive Community.

Like the Diva, they may say that they don't actually read new releases and therefore have no idea what's on the market. "I don't know" is not a professional answer, and it deeply discourages me to see it on a submission form. 

It is not so hard to break away from the Lazy Student. One of the best submissions I've received when it comes to comparable titles included about ten and a thorough breakdown of why they were similar and why they were different. Ten is a bit above-and-beyond, but putting a little effort into the research necessary when submitting can make all the difference.

And this goes for all of the above! Submitting your work is like submitting your resume for a job application. Please, please treat it as such, and you will find editors who love working with you, and who will help you go above and beyond with your manuscript.